Take a look at my segment about online dating on The Steven & Chris talk show
Take a look at my segment about online dating on The Steven & Chris talk show
There’s nothing better than hearing a success story when it comes to matters of the heart. Today show anchor Savannah Guthrie, 42 announced that she got married this past weekend and is also four months pregnant with her first child. Now if your anywhere between 35-45 this is awesome news, because if you haven’t found your one and only it doesn’t matter all is not lost, you can still find love.
When you’re over 35 and single you instantly become a kicking post for your married friends who think it’s completely ok to say things like, “Are you too picky?” “You better hurry up because your clock is ticking” or my favourite “Are you gay?” To them I say kick rocks. There’s nothing in the life handbook that says you have to find your husband or wife between the age of 23-27 date for 5 years, get engaged move to the suburbs have 2 kids and buy a mini van, I’m sorry. Whether your career was your focus or you just never met the ONE there’s nothing wrong with being single after your 35 or 40. If anything you should be praising yourself for not making a mistake and marrying the wrong person, because no one talks about those people at the dinner party. This being said if you want to have a success story like Savannah you have to be pro active about your love life.
Check out what relationship therapists Orna and Matthew Walters have to say about love after 40.
We are all told that if we want a great career, we have to set goals and work at it. If we want to be healthy and fit, we have to eat consciously and be purposeful about it. Yet regarding the most important aspect of it all — love — we are constantly sold a ridiculous myth that it will all fall into place, accidentally and magically.
Love, like anything we desire in our lives, requires intentional action. We can’t expect it to happen by reading more articles on the internet. We can’t expect it to happen by sitting at home and visualizing our ideal mate and then turning on the TV and veg-ing out for the night. We simply can’t expect it to happen when we least expect it.
One of the biggest blocks to finding love, as you get older, is all of the experiences you’ve had that have been, well, rather disappointing. Your heart has been broken, perhaps you’ve been cheated on (or you’ve been the cheater) or you feel that you just have too much baggage to make a relationship really work.
Is it too late for me to find love? This question is asked from people in their 30’s all the way up to their 60’s — all of them believing that because they haven’t found lasting love yet, that it may not be in the cards for them. This is the one myth we’d love to bust for all of you!
The truth is that we have all learned to receive love in our family of origin — we call this your Love Imprint. Maybe your father only gave you affection when you achieved something, and now you feel like you have to prove your worthiness for love. Maybe your mother was sick and you had to take care of her, and now you are resentful that you give too much. Maybe your parents told you that your feelings didn’t matter, and now you struggle with expressing yourself and asking for what you need.
Your Love Imprint affects your behavior on the subconscious level; however, it doesn’t mean that we are doomed to repeat the same pattern over and over. One of the benefits of being older is that we can more readily recognize the pattern that our Love Imprint has created.
The first step to creating love on purpose is to take intentional action toward creating it, and that means accepting that you are the common denominator in all of your relationships. This point of view is only possible when we are older and wiser. As Steve Jobs said, “We can only connect the dots looking backward.”
If you have decided that now is the time to get purposeful and intentional about love, here is a list of things that you can do regardless of your age to create love now:
Take an inventory of your past relationships. How long did they last? Who initiated the break-ups? Rate your attraction/attachment on a scale of 1-10. Look for any patterns that you see repeated.
Clear out any attachments to anyone from the past. Release them. Forgive them, heal your heart and move on.
Make a list of the qualities you want in a partner. Focus on their values rather than how they look or what they have. Now be completely honest with yourself — do you have this quality? (We can only attract what we ourselves possess.)
See yourself with your soul mate. What does it feel like to be together? Imagine and believe that you already have what you desire.
We started dating and got married after 40, and many people have told us that we were “lucky.” The truth is, we both made plenty of mistakes in relationship. In fact, we often joke that we became relationship experts because between the two of us we had made most of the mistakes one can make in love.
The truth is we both did the inner work required of us to be open to receive love, and we are confident that you can too! There is an old saying that goes, “If you want something you’ve never had, you’ve got to do something you’ve never done.” If you continue the same dating patterns, looking for love in the same places, how can you expect to have a different outcome? Take a class in something new, join a different online dating site or work with a coach or matchmaker.
In order to do things differently when it comes to love, you have to let go of the old way that is not serving you. Rather than feeling powerless to create love, access the part of you that knows you create your own reality, and stand in your power to bring in your Beloved.
High school sweethearts Paula Patton and Robin Thicke sent social media into a tail spin when they announced that they’re breaking up last week. But has Paula already moved on with fellow actor Jeremy Renner (pictured above) The two were spotted backstage at the Spirit Awards last Saturday. The two former co-stars were seen chatting and laughing together before presenting an award, but is this just friendship or has Mrs Thicke already moved on? and is it too soon? For a lot of their fans it came as a big surprise but for months now pictures have been popping up on the internet exposing Thicke’s womanizing ways. Paula was spotted at the Vanity Fair party looking lovely without Robin or her wedding ring. Many are speculating that they will get back together because she hasn’t hired a divorce lawyer yet but only time will tell. In the meantime Robin who’s currently on tour has been pouring out his heart on stage telling his fans that he’s got to get his girl back.
The hardest thing about being in a relationship is probably trying to decide if you should end it. The second hardest? Whether you should give it another chance — especially if you’ve already broken up. There comes a time in most everyone’s relationship when you think about throwing in the towel. And what if you do, but then your significant other wants you back? What if he promises to change? What if he swears up and down, back and forth, that that thing that tore you apart will never, ever happen again? Do you believe him? Do you risk getting your heart broken all over again?
Before you take him back here are 7 things you should consider first.
What happened to break you up? People break up for all kinds of reasons — everything from an affair to physical or emotional abuse to just not feeling like you have anything in common anymore. There are no right and wrong reasons to breaking up. Everyone has to weigh what works and doesn’t work for them. What you might not be able to stomach anymore, someone else might not see as a big deal. Think hard about what it is that broke you up and whether or not it’s something you can either forgive or live with, because there’s no guarantee that it won’t keep happening.
Why do you want to reunite? Is it mostly because he’s putting so much pressure on you? Or maybe your kids are, or your family is? This needs to be your decision, not anyone else’s. Do you truly still love him and see a future together — or are you just worried about a single income, about being lonely, or about dating again? Consider whether you’d get back together if everything else in your life was going fabulously. If not, then you probably don’t really want him, but just a relationship. Even if it’s not a good one.
Look at the relationship as a whole. Sometimes when a relationship is bad, we end up breaking up over some silly thing but that was really just the straw that broke the camel’s back. If you’re feeling remorseful because you ended it over a forgotten anniversary or an ex he contacted on Facebook, ask yourself if this is TRULY why you broke up. Chances are, it was much deeper than that. Are you both admitting and confronting what really went wrong as opposed to the “official” reasons for the split?
Is the problem a chronic one? Is what broke you up something that keeps happening? How many chances have you already given your ex? Part of the problem of breaking up is that the ex can suddenly start to make all kinds of promises that whatever problems you have will never EVER happen again. But if they’ve already happened over and over, the reality is that no matter how much your spouse WANTS to change, he may simply not be able to. Psychological forces often dating back to childhood have shaped this person’s habits. Those won’t easily be undone just because he wants them undone.
Can you truly forgive? If you decide to get back together, you can’t be throwing your ex’s transgressions in his face every time you want to win an argument. Not that the problem can never be spoken of again, but it can’t be your go-to.
Be friends first. Try being just friends with your ex first. This way, you can stay close enough to see if his behavior really has changed without sex ratcheting up your attachment and expectations. If he’s unwilling to give it a try again without sex being involved, then he most likely just wants to suck you back into the relationship and has no real intention of changing.
Watch actions, don’t listen to words. No matter how much your ex promises he’ll never touch another drop of booze, or another woman, or will definitely get a job this time, don’t listen to anything. Watch to see how he behaves. Remember it’s his actions in the relationship that will determine everything. And watch for changes BEFORE agreeing to another chance.
For updates on Paula & Robin follow me at @AndreaMBain
There he is, the man of your dreams. He’s sitting across from you at the coffee shop or standing at the opposite side of the bar. His eyes meet yours, a quick glance, and then it’s back to his drink. Was he giving you a signal?
It’s not easy to decipher the mind of the modern male, but learning to decode what his nonverbal communication truly means is an invaluable asset in the game of love. So in order to be sure you’re reading him right, look out for the following 10 signs.
Leaning into Love: If a guy is interested in you, you’ll find that his body will lean forward toward yours. This move can be either very subtle or extremely “in your face” (literally!). It’s his way of letting you know he’d like to get even closer. Once his interest is piqued, you’ll both find it hard to pull away!
Keeping It Even Closer: A vital aspect of the physical nature of romance is reciprocity. Translation: meeting his advances with your own. This not only signals your own interest, but also serves to keep his.
The Eyes Have It: We’ve all heard the proverb, “The eyes are the window to the soul.” If he’s interested in you, he’ll focus on you with those piercing peepers and hold it. Return his romantic gaze with a quiet smile and let him know that you are interested. He’ll be at your side in no time.
Touching Is a Good Thing: If a guy is interested in you, then he’ll want to be near you. He’ll also want to take every opportunity to touch you. Maybe it’s your arm, your leg, your knee — it doesn’t matter, as long as his presence is physical and affectionate. It’s his way of letting you know he likes you.
Funny Meeting You Here: Coincidence is out. Serendipity is in. Those so-called “happy accidents” may not be so accidental after all. Perhaps his “surprise” appearance at your favorite Starbucks or hangout is a signal that he’s trying to connect with you (but doesn’t want you to think he’s a stalker!). Take this as a positive sign and make the most of your next encounter. You may find that you share more in common than just an addiction to double lattes.
Listen Closely: How do you know that you have a guy’s attention? When he’s not talking about himself. It’s that simple. The next time you’re in a bar, listen closely to any table full of men and you will hear them speaking rapturously about their favorite subject: themselves. For a man to shut up and really listen to what you have to say, you know it must be love (or at least a strong attraction). He’ll put that male genetic ADD to rest once and for all after he’s found his Miss Right.
The Guy Who Liked Chick Flicks: Okay, we all know he’d much rather be watching the big game, but it’s an important sign if he shows an interest in the things you like as well. If he’s happy to watch a movie you picked out or doesn’t complain when it’s time to hit the mall for a little shopping trip, you’ve made a serious leap forward in the dating game! Give him extra points if he makes the popcorn.
Funny Lady: Can’t tell a joke to save your life? Does he laugh at it anyway? Men are very in touch with their sense of humor (women often complain that men never take anything seriously, right?), so if he’s sending some hearty laughter your way, it’s a good bet he’s looking at you as relationship material.
Confidence, Man: If a guy’s into you, you make him nervous. He’ll get goose bumps or a rapidly beating heart just from being around you. Look for signs like unexplained laughter, sweaty palms and fidgeting. Guys always want to be in control of their emotions — we like to be in charge. If he has trouble doing that around you, it’s most likely because you make him nervous and excited. Don’t take it for granted; help him to relax, and he’ll thank you by being a great guy you can depend on.
The Feeling Is Mutual: Men and women have very different brain chemistries: She is verbal; he is not. He is driven by visual desires, while she is guided by her deep emotions. Women are taught to rationally express their feelings and feel no shame in crying, and men punch things. Therefore, if you get a guy to actually open up and express his emotions, consider it a major achievement in your relationship. Discussing your feelings for each other is a powerful bonding experience for the two of you and serves to strengthen a relationship for whatever challenges the future may bring.
Being single is like being pregnant. Everyone has advice for you, whether you ask for it or not and half of them don’t know what the hell they’re talking about. Here a few jems
1. Stay a Mystery. Exposing who you are slowly to a person you’re dating maybe be what you’re comfortable with when getting to know someone, but keeping yourself at a distance by remaining a complete mystery can feel like a game to the other person. So while you may not want to tell your entire life story on the first date be sure not to become a confusing puzzle that he may not want to solve
2. Don’t pay for anything on early dates. It’s not unreasonable to expect a man to pay for a first date, but it can be a major turnoff to always have alligator arms every time the cheque comes. A lot of men are turned off by women with the princess complex. Even paying the tip can be a great gesture
3. Always Play Hard to Get. Making a man work for it can be fun, but make sure not to make this your approach on every date. Go with the flow and do things when they seem natural.
4. Don’t wait on Sex. When it comes to sex and dating there are a lot of different rules. Whether you decide to give up the goods on the first date or give him a 90 day waiting period, both methods can set you up for failure
5. Mr Right Now will do. All women go out in hopes of finding Mr Right, but this can become frustrating especially when he doesn’t show up when you want him to, but settling for Mr Okay will lead to disaster so never settle.
6. Don’t go on last minute dates. A lot of people will tell you accepting a last minute date will make you look desperate and overly available, but if you’re really interested in a man and he contacts you to make plans, don’t turn him down if you don’t have to
The Good The Bad and The Single
Nowadays woman are making leaps and bounds in the business world, but unfortunately it’ s also caused a huge in balance in our personal lives. Here are a few tips to tip the scale back in favor or your love life.
1. Make time in your schedule – it’s a new year and before you restart your dating journey have a serious heart to heart with yourself. Are you willing to dedicate time outside of the office on other things than work? If you honestly cannot commit to the idea of a relationship then DON’T. You wouldn’t someone to treat you like an option instead of a priority
2. Get rid of your “Perfect Guy” list. Having a long list of expectations practically sets you up for failure. It’s understandable that as a successful woman wanting to join forces with someone who is just as ambitious and decorated in achievements, but you should be careful not to limit yourself. Your perfect guy may not wear a suit to work and that’s ok
3. Get out of the office and participate in events. How can you expect to meet that special someone if all you do is work. If you’re constantly buried under a mountain of work you can’t expect to meet the love of your life. Sure there’s always the option of the office romance but that doesn’t work for everyone and it comes with it’s own drawbacks. Step away from your desk and start participating in hobbies and social outings. Start going to the gym and concentrate on a healthier lifestyle. Say yes to invitations from friends for fun nights out on the town where you can meet new people. Stop using work as an excuse not to go out.
4. Don’t limit yourself to online dating. Nowadays most social interactions take place online than face to face and if you’re busy it’s much easier way to date but there are both bonuses and hindrances to dating online. So if the online thing isn’t working for you don’t be afraid to get back to the organic way of meeting someone knew
5. Let’s do lunch. If you are short on time and perhaps you have other responsibilities after work why not try a lunch date. It might not be the most ideal time but it is another option. It won’t give you a lot of time but if things go well crave out some time after work to meet for dinner but if things are a bust you can at least use your job as an excuse to bail out
6. Don’t play down your achievements. Being a successful man is always celebrated but being a successful financially independent woman makes a lot of men insecure. Never water down your accomplishments to get or keep a man. At the end of the day you don’t want to be with a man who is intimidated by your success. But be careful not to lead a date with your resume. Talking about your job can be a major turn off. Keep in mind your job is not who you are it’s what you do.
7. No power suits outside the office. Wearing the same suit on a date as you would to the office is a major no no. Loosen up, unless it’s a lunch date or you’re meeting right after work try to change it up and look less corporate. Remember this is a date not a job interview. Easy ways to change it up is loose the blazer and change your shoes or change your dress pants in for a pair of jeans.
8. Avoid turning your date into a job interview. The best part about dating is getting to know someone but be careful that your date doesn’t feel like he’s being interviewed for the position of boyfriend. Small talk about current events or asking them what their hobbies/interests and being a good listener are all great ways to ensure a more balanced conversation
Selena Gomez proves that you can be friends with your ex, even if he’s a bit of a douchebag?
At one point former Disney Star Selena Gomez was living every young girls dream. She was dating pop superstar Justin Bieber, her music career was in full swing and she was gracefully shedding her goody-two-shoes Disney image, without twerking or a foam finger. But like all good things it came to an end. In a recent interview she did with US Weekly she divulged the real reason she broke up Justin, which isn’t hard to figure out with all of his out of control behaviour like sleeping with Brazilian porn stars, peeing in mop buckets and running with a reckless group of friends. But at the tender age of 21 Gomez is showing us that you can break up with your ex and still be friends.
“We can be friends” are famous last words spoken in the midst of the break up conversation. Whether you’re speaking the words or listening to your ex say them to you with a half hearted smile on their face, let’s be real how many of your exes are you really friends with? If your answer is all of them well you can stop reading this right now. As for the rest of us there is light at the end of this very dark tunnel. With a bit of honesty and communication it’s possible to still be friends with your ex. Here’s how
Take space. When you initially break up with someone, there are going to be a lot of strong feelings. You’ll feel remorse, anger, jealousy, especially when you see a picture of some girl with her arms around him. That’s normal! Don’t beat yourself up for feeling what you’re feeling. But also don’t feel like you need to act on these bitter feelings. Take the space you need to be by yourself and mend your broken heart. No need to go to extremes with alcohol or new sexual partners or calling him late at night in a fit of rage. It’s okay to let the phone ring when he calls and not pick it up.
Stop blaming. Most of our heartbreak around this sort of situation is perpetuated by our own guilt, anger or sadness about the way things ended. “If I had done this differently then we would still be together,” or “He is such a asshole! How could he cheat on me?” You can really get yourself worked up about the break up if you’re not careful. The next time it happens to you stop yourself and say “No blame,” then refocus on what you are doing. If you’re watching TV, come back to the program. If you’re on the treadmill, refocus on running. If you’re out with friends, rejoin the conversation. Whatever you are doing, drop the blame and just be in the moment.
Don’t throw out the baby with the bath water. There was a reason that you and your ex spent so much time together. Remember the good times, and don’t just assume the worst of your ex because of how the breakup went down. We all mean well, and we all strive for happiness. Sometimes we get confused about how to achieve that, and end up hurting others. Just because you feel hurt, doesn’t mean you need to forget about all the great memories from the relationship.
Reconnect on your terms. Before you reconnect with your ex it’s very important that you feel ready. Now it’s important that I clarify that being ready is not after you’ve lost 20 pounds and think you look really hot and want to make them jealous, if you’re thinking that way you’re not ready yet. It may take weeks heck it may take years before you’re ready, and that’s okay. When you meet up, try to walk into that situation without a lot of expectations for what you want to happen. If you walk in with expectations there is a good chance you will end up disappointed. Think of it as a good chance to get to know them again. Pretend you’re on a first date, or just getting to know a new friend. You may be surprised by how much he has changed or realize he hasn’t changed at all.
Avoid the good old breakup to makeup I’ve always said that the easiest person to hook up with is your ex. Not only is it comfortable it also feels really good to be back in that familiar embrace. But you have to be very careful. The last thing you want to do is fall back into old roles that bring you back to the reason why you broke up in the first place.
The Good The Bad and The Single