Online Dating Advice

Take a look at my segment  about online dating on The Steven & Chris talk show

Enjoy

xx

http://www.cbc.ca/stevenandchris/episodes/season-7/season-7-episode-103

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Love After 40!

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There’s nothing better than hearing a success story when it comes to matters of the heart. Today show anchor Savannah Guthrie, 42 announced that she got married this past weekend and is also four months pregnant with her first child. Now if your anywhere between 35-45 this is awesome news, because if you haven’t found your one and only it doesn’t matter all is not lost, you can still find love.

When you’re over 35 and single you instantly become a kicking post for your married friends who think it’s completely ok to say things like, “Are you too picky?” “You better hurry up because your clock is ticking” or my favourite “Are you gay?” To them I say kick rocks.  There’s nothing in the life handbook that says you have to find your husband or wife between the age of 23-27 date for 5 years, get engaged move to the suburbs have 2 kids and buy a mini van, I’m sorry. Whether your career was your focus or you just never met the ONE there’s nothing wrong with being single after your 35 or 40. If anything you should be praising yourself for not making a mistake and marrying the wrong person, because no one talks about those people at the dinner party. This being said if you want to have a success story like Savannah you have to be pro active about your love life.

Check out what relationship therapists Orna and Matthew Walters have to say about love after 40.

We are all told that if we want a great career, we have to set goals and work at it. If we want to be healthy and fit, we have to eat consciously and be purposeful about it. Yet regarding the most important aspect of it all — love — we are constantly sold a ridiculous myth that it will all fall into place, accidentally and magically.

Love, like anything we desire in our lives, requires intentional action. We can’t expect it to happen by reading more articles on the internet. We can’t expect it to happen by sitting at home and visualizing our ideal mate and then turning on the TV and veg-ing out for the night. We simply can’t expect it to happen when we least expect it.

One of the biggest blocks to finding love, as you get older, is all of the experiences you’ve had that have been, well, rather disappointing. Your heart has been broken, perhaps you’ve been cheated on (or you’ve been the cheater) or you feel that you just have too much baggage to make a relationship really work.

Is it too late for me to find love? This question is asked from people in their 30’s all the way up to their 60’s — all of them believing that because they haven’t found lasting love yet, that it may not be in the cards for them. This is the one myth we’d love to bust for all of you!

The truth is that we have all learned to receive love in our family of origin — we call this your Love Imprint.  Maybe your father only gave you affection when you achieved something, and now you feel like you have to prove your worthiness for love. Maybe your mother was sick and you had to take care of her, and now you are resentful that you give too much.  Maybe your parents told you that your feelings didn’t matter, and now you struggle with expressing yourself and asking for what you need.

Your Love Imprint affects your behavior on the subconscious level; however, it doesn’t mean that we are doomed to repeat the same pattern over and over. One of the benefits of being older is that we can more readily recognize the pattern that our Love Imprint has created.

The first step to creating love on purpose is to take intentional action toward creating it, and that means accepting that you are the common denominator in all of your relationships. This point of view is only possible when we are older and wiser. As Steve Jobs said, “We can only connect the dots looking backward.”

If you have decided that now is the time to get purposeful and intentional about love, here is a list of things that you can do regardless of your age to create love now:

Take an inventory of your past relationships. How long did they last? Who initiated the break-ups? Rate your attraction/attachment on a scale of 1-10. Look for any patterns that you see repeated.

Clear out any attachments to anyone from the past. Release them. Forgive them, heal your heart and move on.

Make a list of the qualities you want in a partner. Focus on their values rather than how they look or what they have. Now be completely honest with yourself — do you have this quality? (We can only attract what we ourselves possess.)

See yourself with your soul mate. What does it feel like to be together? Imagine and believe that you already have what you desire.

We started dating and got married after 40, and many people have told us that we were “lucky.” The truth is, we both made plenty of mistakes in relationship. In fact, we often joke that we became relationship experts because between the two of us we had made most of the mistakes one can make in love.

The truth is we both did the inner work required of us to be open to receive love, and we are confident that you can too! There is an old saying that goes, “If you want something you’ve never had, you’ve got to do something you’ve never done.” If you continue the same dating patterns, looking for love in the same places, how can you expect to have a different outcome? Take a class in something new, join a different online dating site or work with a coach or matchmaker.

In order to do things differently when it comes to love, you have to let go of the old way that is not serving you.  Rather than feeling powerless to create love, access the part of you that knows you create your own reality, and stand in your power to bring in your Beloved.

Has Paula Patton already moved on with Jeremy Renner?

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High school sweethearts Paula Patton and Robin Thicke sent social media into a tail spin when they announced that they’re breaking up last week.  But has Paula already moved on with fellow actor Jeremy Renner (pictured above) The two were spotted backstage at the Spirit Awards last Saturday. The two former co-stars were seen chatting and laughing together before presenting an award, but is this just friendship or has Mrs Thicke already moved on? and is it too soon? For a lot of their fans it came as a big surprise but for months now pictures have been popping up on the internet exposing Thicke’s womanizing ways. Paula was spotted at the Vanity Fair party looking lovely without Robin or her wedding ring. Many are speculating that they will get back together because she hasn’t hired a divorce lawyer yet but only time will tell. In the meantime Robin who’s currently on tour has been pouring out his heart on stage telling his fans that he’s got to get his girl back.

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The hardest thing about being in a relationship is probably trying to decide if you should end it. The second hardest? Whether you should give it another chance — especially if you’ve already broken up. There comes a time in most everyone’s relationship when you think about throwing in the towel. And what if you do, but then your significant other wants you back? What if he promises to change? What if he swears up and down, back and forth, that that thing that tore you apart will never, ever happen again? Do you believe him? Do you risk getting your heart broken all over again?

Before you take him back here are 7 things you should consider first.

What happened to break you up? People break up for all kinds of reasons — everything from an affair to physical or emotional abuse to just not feeling like you have anything in common anymore. There are no right and wrong reasons to breaking up. Everyone has to weigh what works and doesn’t work for them. What you might not be able to stomach anymore, someone else might not see as a big deal. Think hard about what it is that broke you up and whether or not it’s something you can either forgive or live with, because there’s no guarantee that it won’t keep happening.

Why do you want to reunite? Is it mostly because he’s putting so much pressure on you? Or maybe your kids are, or your family is? This needs to be your decision, not anyone else’s. Do you truly still love him and see a future together — or are you just worried about a single income, about being lonely, or about dating again? Consider whether you’d get back together if everything else in your life was going fabulously. If not, then you probably don’t really want him, but just a relationship. Even if it’s not a good one.

Look at the relationship as a whole. Sometimes when a relationship is bad, we end up breaking up over some silly thing  but that was really just the straw that broke the camel’s back. If you’re feeling remorseful because you ended it over a forgotten anniversary or an ex he contacted on Facebook, ask yourself if this is TRULY why you broke up. Chances are, it was much deeper than that. Are you both admitting and confronting what really went wrong as opposed to the “official” reasons for the split?

Is the problem a chronic one? Is what broke you up something that keeps happening? How many chances have you already given your ex? Part of the problem of breaking up is that the ex can suddenly start to make all kinds of promises that whatever problems you have will never EVER happen again. But if they’ve already happened over and over, the reality is that no matter how much your spouse WANTS to change, he may simply not be able to. Psychological forces often dating back to childhood have shaped this person’s habits. Those won’t easily be undone just because he wants them undone.

Can you truly forgive? If you decide to get back together, you can’t be throwing your ex’s transgressions in his face every time you want to win an argument. Not that the problem can never be spoken of again, but it can’t be your go-to.

Be friends first. Try being just friends with your ex first. This way, you can stay close enough to see if his behavior really has changed without sex ratcheting up your attachment and expectations. If he’s unwilling to give it a try again without sex being involved, then he most likely just wants to suck you back into the relationship and has no real intention of changing.

Watch actions, don’t listen to words. No matter how much your ex promises he’ll never touch another drop of booze, or another woman, or will definitely get a job this time, don’t listen to anything. Watch to see how he behaves. Remember it’s his actions in the relationship that will determine everything. And watch for changes BEFORE agreeing to another chance.

For updates on Paula & Robin follow me at @AndreaMBain

Pretty Women and Ugly Men, Who Knew?

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I made a promise on the Steven & Chris Show to ask out 5 men this year. I wasn’t really looking forward to it but I’ll do anything if a tv camera is involved. So I thought I’d start out with an average guy. Bachelor number one is not my typical physical type. He’s 5 “9, kinda skinny, couple of crooked teeth, sense of style is pretty average, has a full head hair but wears way too much hair product for my comfort level and no muscles, did I mention he has a great personality.

Before I took the bold step of asking him out I pulled a mutual friend of ours aside and asked her if he was single. She looked surprised that I was inquiring about him and proceeded to tell me that she’s trying to set him up with her friend who is a 6 foot tall gorgeous model. Then she went on to tell me in not so many words that I wasn’t his type because he only goes for, her words, “super hot girls”.

At first I was taken back by her comment but then I decided to go online and conduct my own research via facebook. After riffling through hundreds of his photos it was pretty clear that she was right all of his girlfriends looked like they came out of the Leonardo Dicaprio ex-gf catalogue. This got me thinking

“IF ALL THE AVERAGE LOOKING GUYS ARE DATING THE BEAUTY QUEENS WHO’S LEFT FOR THE AVERAGE LOOKING GIRL?”

Pretty women dating ugly men isn’t anything new, but lately there seems to be a lot more of these couples than in the past. Another thing I noticed is that the pretty women are not your typical gold digger looking for a sugar daddy type either. Nope these ladies have their shit together which makes it even more confusing for me. So I went online and found some interesting stuff; one study actually claimed that according to scientists, being ugly may help men attract the opposite sex. They found that having an unusual appearance can be a good way to charm a mate. Say what??

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Sounds ridiculous right? But wait a minute this theory might help explain couples like Julia Roberts & Lyle Lovett, Heidi Klum and Seal, Russell Simmons & Shannon Elizabeth, Howard Stern  & Beth Ostrosky, Padma Lakshmi & Salman Rushdie, Charlize Theron & Sean Penn, Kimora Lee Simmons & Tim Leissner.

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The scientist who conducted this study came to the conclusion that, “Ugly individuals can sometimes do better than good looking ones because women don’t always like to chase the best looking members of the opposite sex”. This is great news for all the odd looking guys out there but what about us girl, who are we left with? Cause let’s face it really good looking men still want to date the hottest girl in the room, hell who am I fooling EVERYONE wants the hottest girl in the room.

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At this point I’ll have to change my approach and start dating circus carnies, homeless men, guys fresh out the pen and the geriatric crowd, woohoo can’t wait.

I’ll let you know how it goes. Stay tuned

The Good The Bad and The Ugly Single